I’ve spent most of this last weekend offline, which has felt odd… but also rather nice. Sometimes it’s a little too easy to get lost down the virtual rabbit-hole.

Of course, I mostly replace the virtual rabbit-hole with my own inspirational rabbit-hole. See, my brain has been busy devising new ideas, percolating old ones, and playing with a handful of additional projects (that I probably shouldn’t be trying to take on).

Of course, I’ve also been attempting to process the incredible learning that’s been going on in Sovereignty Kindergarten.

Oh, and I’m also preparing for Lift Off! with Pam Slim and Charlie Gilkey.

You could say I’ve been a little busy.

I have a confession to make though.

Part of the being horribly busy has been an attempt to avoid dealing with scary thoughts.

You know, money thoughts.

See, when I first became aware of both Sovereignty Kindergarten and Lift Off, my first thought was, “I need this!”

My second thought was, “there is no way I can afford this.” /sad face

The more I thought about it though, the more that first thought kept coming up. Because these are both things that I need; for me, and for my business.

The time was right, and I realized that if I let the money stuff scare me from taking the steps I need to take, I’ll never be able to move forward.

Also, I’m a big believer in the importance of growing your skill set and continuing your education. In fact, in a recent post on Generosity Driven, I pretty much said it’s the most important investment you can make in your business.

And I’d hate to make a hypocrite of myself.

So I put on my sovereignty crown.

I screwed up my courage, and I approached those putting on the events. I asked if we might find a different way to make this work; a way that would work around my current low-fund situation, but would also respect each of our respective needs (my need to attend without freaking out over money, their need to be paid).

Crazy as it sounds, they actually said yes. We worked something out, and now we all get to be friends and move forward together.

Of course, my money stuff is still freaking out.

Partially because that’s sort of just what it does.

But also because, as life tends to do, there have been some unexpected bumps in the road.
*For instance, last week we discovered the back passenger tire had decided to call it quits. Downside; we had not budgeted for a new tire. Upside; at least it quit now, and not half-way to Portland!

So as my money monsters have been screeching and railing and practically hanging from the rafters in outrage, I’ve been getting creative.

I had an idea for a creative fun-brewing project.

Actually, I’d had this idea some time ago. But my They’re All Gonna Laugh At You monsters spoke up and I decided to maybe not go through with it.

And then the lovely Lean, from String Revolution, did an amazing thing; she created a secret page to sell her beautiful sewn creations in order to raise the funds to attend Havi’s free Shiva Nata class. A class that I had passed up on attending because I didn’t think I could make it happen.

And here was this incredible woman from Ireland, who managed to find a way to attend.

So I’m thinking, maybe my idea isn’t so crazy after all.

Which led me to a mad frenzy of inspirational creativity, and the decision to take a chance and start my fun-brewing project.

I’m calling this my Inspirational Education Fund project, and the very first bit of inspired creativity took place over the weekend.

I’ve created a handful of sovereignty crowns, for those who need a bit of reminding as they go through their daily life.

Plus, these crowns are double-duty crowns, designed to follow you as you go deep undercover; they have a lovely little clasp so that you can disguise them as a necklace!

Each crown has been carefully crafted with a selection of natural materials to bring out the energies of Sovereignty that you need most in your life.

I currently only have a handful up for sale, but I will be adding more. Also, if you need something specific, and don’t see a crown that will quite work, please feel free to let me know, and we’ll see if we can’t put something together for you

So as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been a little obsessed with my new thing lately.

Ok, so I’ve been a lot obsessed.

Which doesn’t surprise me in the least. I tend to get very excited by new projects, and of course, this wasn’t just any old new project.

This is my new thing, in living color; this is what I”m supposed to be doing, what I want/need/love to be doing!

What I wasn’t expecting was the incredible crash I experienced the moment immediately after announcing my new thing to the world.

After all the time and energy and passion I put into preparing for the announcement, the last thing I expected was this sudden lack of energy and motivation to do… anything!

It was almost like I went into a state of postpartum depression.

Which made perfect sense, as soon as I had that thought… because, in a way, I am a new mom.

I’ve nurtured this tiny, sweet thing, protected and loved it, fed it and cared for it. And now it’s out there, vulnerable, no longer entirely my own.

I’m exhausted, I’m scared, and I no longer have this singular goal to focus on and distract me.

At first, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I excited? I should be so happy, thrilled that my thing was blossoming so beautifully.

I mean, yeah, I was kinda happy. But mostly I just felt… empty.

The thing is, that’s perfectly normal!

This is part of the cycle of creation… it’s the circle of life, baby! (cue cheesy Disney music… oh, sorry… nevermind that part)

Night follows day, just as winter follows the harvest. Not because there’s something wrong with the sun, or because the earth has nothing decent left to create.

These are times of rest, of recuperation. And just as nature needs to slow down and replenish it’s resources, so do we.

Sometimes I forget how unnatural our modern lifestyle has become.

I rail at myself for being so tired every day around 2pm. I wonder why I seem to lose the ability to care about anything every few weeks.

I used to dream of discovering the regimen of food and exercise that would allow me to go through every day full of energy.

Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure the only thing that would ever allow me to achieve that dream, is a regimen of copious drug use. Which is kind of a problem, since I don’t even like taking aspirin…

Fortunately, I’ve realized just how ridiculous that dream is.

Energy follows a natural cycle of ups and downs.

There’s nothing wrong with this, and trying to change the system would just screw everything up.

In the morning, we wake up and our energy levels begin to rise. At some point during the day we peak, and then our energy starts to wane.

Some people cycle once per day; their energy rises slowly, peaks, then drains slowly until they feel tired and decide to go to bed.

I tend to cycle twice per day; my energy rises quickly, peaks around noon, then crashes, leaving me desperate for a nap around 2pm. Around 4 or 5 in the evening, my energy starts to rise again, peaks sometime between 10 and midnight, then crashes again around 1 or 2 in the morning.

Along with this daily cycle, I have a general monthly cycle. For about 3 weeks my energy will rise; during this time I’m highly motivated. I love life and have plenty of energy to put towards accomplishing my goals.

Then, for about 3 days, I’m slightly manic. If I’m not careful, I can eat about a month’s worth of food in these few days. I can also accomplish an insane amount of work… but only if I can manage to keep myself focused.

By the end of my “manic” stage, I’m just about worn out. I’m having a hard time liking myself, and start to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. This is when the crash hits.

For about a week, to a week and a half, I go into what I call my “teen angst” mode; I hate my life, I have zero energy, and all I want to do is curl up in bed with the covers over my head.

It’s very much not fun.

Eventually, my energy level starts to climb, and the funk slowly lifts. By the end of my week and a half, I’m beginning to feel marginally human again. I’m able to remember why I love life so much, and getting out of bed becomes much more appealing, less like the worst idea ever.

And the cycle begins anew…

Right now, I’m mid-way through the “teen-angst” phase. Which definitely does not help with the postpartum thing-announcing blues.

What does help is recognizing that this is all part of my cycle.

This is normal, and while I may not love being in it right now, at least I know it will pass.

For years I struggled against the “down” phases of my cycle. Every time I found myself tired, completely lacking in motivation, apathetic even, I would wonder what was wrong with me?

I would experiment with different diets, try to impose a rigid sleeping schedule, up the amount of exercise I was getting, lower the amount of exercise I was getting.

Anything to try to “normalize” my energy levels and avoid those down phases.

It wasn’t until I started tracking my patterns that I realized this is just a part of who I am, and how I work.

And seeing the cyclical nature of my patterns helped me relate them to the cycles of the natural world.

Which helped me realize that my energy cycles, including the down phases, were perfectly natural.

There is nothing wrong with me. I am not a bad person because I spend one out of every five weeks nearly incapable of getting out of bed!!!

Of course, it’s easy to forget all that when I’m feeling low.

But that’s what this is for, along with my Book of Me, and the notes I’ve begun to write in my calendar.

To remind me when I forget to remember.

Commenty Stuff

This is all just part of my process, my attempt at working on my stuff. If any of my stuff stepped on the toes of your stuff, I apologize.

It’s not meant to be a “this is what you should do” sort of thing, it’s more of a sharing, in case something I’ve said helps kind of thing.

Also, if you’re interested in learning a bit more about your cycles, I definitely recommend Charlie Gilkey’s heatmap. It’s free, and it can really help you figure out where your natural rhythms lie.

One bit of advice (if you want it); the heatmap is designed to track daily cycles, but my daily cycles didn’t mess with me nearly as much as the longer term ones. So I just altered the map to track a month’s worth of days, rather than a day’s worth of hours.

My tiny, sweet thing has blossomed, and in the process sprouted tiny, sweet things of it’s own!

With the help of the ever-awesome Catherine Caine, of Be Awesome Online infamy, I have spawned a site specifically for helping my wonderful business clients.

And so, I invite you to visit Generosity Driven, where I help creative problem-solvers grow their confidence, and build generosity-driven business (that they love!).

She still has a bit of growing to do, but I’m just so excited, I couldn’t keep her to myself any longer. If you do decide to visit, you’ll notice that I have just a few humble blog-posts… and also, a thing!

My thing has a thing too!

In the process of developing the concept and site for Generosity Driven, I discovered it had generated a seedling of it’s very own; a series of brunches (because who doesn’t love brunch), to be held for local lady-entrepreneurs, to help them grow their businesses.

Because community is at the core of the Generosity Driven philosophy, and what better way to celebrate the blossoming of my business than with a special series of playdates for members of my very own community?

And now the hard part…

I have it on good authority that attempting to run two sites is “the definition of insanity”. I’m seeing a bit of this already, just trying to coordinate the soft-launch of my Brunches.

I’m not quite sure how everything will come together in the end. I don’t particularly want to give up this site, as I’ve come to be rather fond of it.

And yet, Generosity Driven is the perfect culmination of what I’m good at, and what I love doing. So it must be nurtured and supported.

Being who I am, I’m sure I’ll keep both sites. At least for now. Only time will tell if tough decisions will have to be made.

In the meantime, I think I’ll opt to blissfully ignore the sage (and probably correct) voice of authority mentioned above. Besides, a little insanity isn’t necessarily a bad thing… right?

Commenty Stuff

I do hope you’ll check out my new, sweet thing. I’m very proud of her, and hope you’ll like her.

If you do, feel free to comment and let me know.

If not. Well, that’s ok, we can still be friends. Just be nice and maybe don’t say anything, she’s still young and somewhat fragile in her feelings

So the other day I was hanging out at my favorite bar (read: Twitter), and I happened to notice a retweet originally sent out by one @koldobarroso. It was an offer for a free digital copy of a book, for anyone who wanted to write a review of said book.

Well, I like books. Even better, I like free books. Intrigued, I decided to follow the trail to his website, and see what this book thing was all about.

First of all, I have to say, Holy Crap! I love his site! Ehem… sorry about that. But seriously, if you aren’t familiar with his work, I highly recommend you check out his website (after you’re done reading the review, of course!).

Personally, I am absolutely in love with his style. He has the sort of fairy-tales-for-grownups style that just resonates deep within me. You may not love it as much as I do… in which case, well. We can still be friends, we just won’t discuss this again

So. On with the review!

The true story behind the book

The birth of Kooky Pets began one night as Koldo went to write in his notebook. Discovering a mysterious note, written in his unmistakable handwriting but signed by one “Sir Arne Zackleton”, he is told of the Kooky Pets. Sir Arne charges Koldo with storing and delivering the concept of the Kooky Pets, “before the world of the Kooky Pets comes to an irreparable end.”

And so the adventure begins. Within days Koldo began to reach out to his audience, searching for others who might have information on these “Kooky Pets.”

The Kooky Pets Team

Part of what makes this book so special, and unique, is the collaborative process through which it was created. For four months, Koldo worked with his readers, collecting and building upon the clever and inspiring ideas they shared.

The care that Koldo took in acknowledging his fellow conspirators is truly touching. Twenty of those of who contributed were memorialized in the form of Mites, who make up the Kooky Pets Team. Koldo describes the Mites as “an outstanding group of erudite, well-mannered, gentle, generous and dedicated creatures!”

I am hard pressed to say which I enjoyed more; the Pets, or the Mites. Each Mite has it’s own portrait, along with a brief bio. All are quite entertaining, but of course I do have my favorites;

Lady Hawk, who “spent six years analyzing the striped pattern in Alexbagex’ socks and she later launched her own fashion line of ‘one color striped socks.’”

And Prof. Strangeway, who was “accused of fraud for her accurate descriptions of pets that she had never been introduced to. To which she answered: ‘I haven’t been introduced to myself yet, but my face looks familiar to me!’”

The Kooky Pets

So what exactly is a Kooky Pet? Koldo explains that they have the “unique ability to bring out the best in us.” However, he goes on to warn that “this can only happen if you befriend them. Because, yes, we all have a Kooky Pet inside, but first we need to say ‘hi’ when they’re passing by.”

While I imagine there are as many Kooky Pets as their are people in the world, Koldo introduces us to twelve adorable Pets whom he and his team have carefully studied and catalogued. They are each beautifully illustrated, and include their own brief biographies. Koldo also includes a description of Common Owners for each of these pets, and a list of references upon which the information was drawn (as all good researchers should!).

With names like Fiddlecrabiddle and Galap a Go-Go, you can’t help but fall for these adorable creatures. Like the humans they live with, each has some quirky personality characteristics that some might consider flaws, but they are so full of good will you could never hold it against them.

My personal favorite was Splyfluff, a Pet who was abandoned by his owners. Determined to find the best new owner he could, he went deep undercover and joined the circus. In the end, he chose to adopt the entire circus as his new family.

Plus, he’s a big puffball that rides a unicycle! How could you not love that?!

Dusty Bunnusty runs a close second, with the ability to create rainbow dust that will guide you to your dreams (but only if you don’t take things -like a little dust- too seriously!).

My verdict

Kooky Pets is a beautifully illustrated book, full of characters that will make you laugh and wonder about your own Kooky Pet.

If I had children, I would buy a copy and share it with them every night.

I don’t have children, so I can’t share it with them. But you know, reading through this reminds me how much fun it was to play with the Kooky Pets of my childhood. It brings me so much joy to read and look at, I just might have to buy a copy to share with myself every night!

• If you’re interested in getting a copy for yourself, I’d recommend you do so now… Koldo is only offering these in a limited run, and over half the copies have already sold!

So, I had this fabulous post I was going to write today.

At least, I’m pretty sure it was going to be fabulous. The only problem is, I can’t remember what it was about.

It has, completely and utterly, left my mind.

I believe this has something to do with the fact that I could not for the life of me get to sleep last night.

*I think I finally passed out sometime around 3:30 or 4am. I know it was definitely no earlier than 3:15, since that was the last time I got up to use the little girls’ room.

Actually, to be more accurate, I should say that it has something to do with why I couldn’t get to sleep last night.

You see, I was deep in the throes of inspiration, and my brain would just not shut up!

I’ve been a bit of an insomniac my entire life and, generally, it’s because when I lay down, my brain goes into overdrive. It’s like the idea engine suddenly kicks in, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot get it to slow down.

Let alone stop.

I’ve tried a number of methods to ease the insomnia, and for the most part it’s fairly under control. But every once in a while, I get a jolt of idea-fullness, and when that happens, I’m really just better off getting up and riding the wave.

Because you know, I’m not going to get any sleep anyway.

The upside to all this is, I have been given some fabulous and wonderful ideas for a couple of projects that I think are going to just rock the freakin’ casbah!

Unfortunately, they are still tiny, sweet things*, too fragile and tender to share.

*This would be another one of those Havi-isms that I’ve picked up; she uses the term to refer to a new idea that has come, or is coming, into your life. Like a baby, it is pure potential, in need of love, protection, space to grow… it is a tiny, sweet thing.

Some nurturing will need to be done, some incubating and careful feeding.

However, I don’t expect it will take long, so stay tuned my lovelies. All will be revealed in due time

In the meantime, here are a handful of my favorite Happy Thoughts from last week!

1. Curling up with my sweetheart and watching a really good movie (Shutter Island… headtrip!)
2. Lunch with my sister, during which I got to play Helper Mouse, and after which she felt much better
3. Grapefruit sorbet… sat on a bench in the sun and savored my little bit of heaven, while my puppy sniffed the flowers nearby.
4. Watching my honey play tag with my puppy
5. My purring kitty curled up with me under the covers… soft warm cuddly purrs, definitely one of the best ways to wake up in the morning!

I’ve been thinking about permission a lot lately, and what it means to be an adult. I’ve especially been thinking about the interaction between these two concepts.

When we’re young, we have to ask permission for everything

To speak, to leave the table, to do something other than what we’re currently doing. In school, we even had to ask permission to go to the bathroom!

As we get older, we earn greater amounts of autonomy; we speak up, we leave when we’re finished, we change our minds and do something else. We’re even allowed to go to the bathroom without raising our hand first!

At least, this is the theory.

But somehow, many of us seem to think we still need permission… permission to speak our minds, permission to do what makes us happy. Permission to be ourselves!

Which makes me wonder, what do we mean when we speak of being an adult?

When I was little, I thought that being an adult meant I could do whatever I wanted, that nobody would ever be able to tell me what to do (well, other than the nice officer man, but that’s mostly because I didn’t want to go to jail).

I thought it was this magic state of being, where I got to make up my own rules, live my life the way I wanted to.

As opposed to, you know, the way everyone else told me to.

I certainly didn’t think I would have to be asking for permission anytime I wanted to do something.

As I got older, the word adult started to take on much more negative connotations; adults were people who worked all the time, never had fun, suffered lives full of stress and frustration.

Adults never had time to play.

As I got older, I took on more and more responsibilities. Partially because I have an innate need to do everything.

But also because this is what I thought adults were supposed to do.

Adults worked all the time.

They had overwhelming stacks of bills, they spent all their free time cleaning and running errands, and the little time they did have to play, had to be spent playing hard, so they could make up for all the time they didn’t get to play.

Of course, that also means pain and misery the next day, as you pay for your fun… but that’s the price of being an adult. Right?

Fortunately, I’ve been blessed with an amazing gift

I have a beautiful niece who let’s me play with her, and who reminds me (simply by being herself) of the wonder of being young. Of playing.

And the thing is, working your ass off and spending all your time stressing, is not what being an adult is supposed to be about.

Yes, being an adult means having responsibilities. It also generally means having bills, and paying them.

And you do have to clean, at least occasionally.

But you know what you don’t have to do? Raise your hand and ask permission.

Because this is your life, and you are the only boss of you.

Remember when you were a teenager, and you realized your parents couldn’t actually make you do anything? It was powerful, that feeling.

It was freedom.

It was knowing that you had the ability, the right, the duty to test your limits, to figure out who you were and what you wanted out of life.

So I say, embrace your inner teenager.

Rebel against the rules that say you have to work yourself to death and never take the time to actually enjoy your life.

Who wrote those rules anyway?!

Did anyone? Or do we just live by them because we think they’re the rules, even though we’ve never stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, everyone else was making the same mistake

Maybe everyone else just assumed they were supposed to live that way, because that’s the way everyone else was living.

Now there’s a nasty little social-proof-circle that I’d rather avoid…

Granted, it’s not so easy to just up and say, “Screw you, rules!”

Sometimes, most times, we have family, friends, jobs, that would be somewhat put off if we were to start shouting, “You’re not the boss of me, I’ll make my own rules and live my own life!”

But most times, we don’t really need (or want) to actually tell everyone to bugger off.

All we really need is to remember that it’s our life.

That we don’t need permission to live it the way we want, the way we need, in order to be happy.

But just in case…

For those of you who can’t quite get over that need to raise your hand and ask permission, here’s a slip, just for you!

Negativity is frowned upon in our culture. You hear it all the time, “nobody likes a complainer”, “think positive”, “keep your chin up”.

The thing is, keeping positive all the time just isn’t possible.

And trying to pretend that you aren’t in a funk, when you obviously are, just can’t be healthy.

Sometimes, we just really need to complain, to vent, to gripe.

Barbara Sher calls these gripe fests Hard Times.

And you know what? I think Monday is a perfect day to practice a bit of Hard Times gripe festing.

Because I gotta tell ya, I’m having one hell of a case of the Mondays. So much so that, even though I absolutely hate that phrase, it’s still the only way I can think of to accurately describe the state of my day so far.

It’s not that anything has gone wrong. In fact, it’s been a fairly regular day. It’s even really pretty outside.

But inside, I’m full of blech! Ba humbug even.

I am currently feeling completely incapable of having a kind or generous thought towards anything, myself in particular.

I’m tired of working, tired of feeling like I’m not getting anywhere… just plain tired!

It would be nap time, except the Day Job demands my presence. Preferably awake and at my desk.

So I’ve decided it’s time for a good, vehement round of Hard Times griping.

Today’s Hard Times are brought to us by the letter ‘X’.

X as in, x marks the spot, as in ‘you are here’.

Because where I’m at is not where I want to be. It’s a stupid place full of stupid people and stupid weather, and nothing ever goes right here.

And it smells. It’s so full of nasty rotten bay smell, it’s a wonder that everyone hasn’t just died from the stench. People should drive into this town, take one whiff, and just keel over.

The smart ones would keep their windows up and just drive through as quickly as they could.

It’s no wonder I haven’t been able to accomplish any of my dreams, growing up in a place like this. I was cursed from the beginning. Cursed to waste away, fat and boring and full of zero potential for any sort of wonderful world-changing ability.

It’s a wonder anyone ever listens to me, I’m sure that they only do because they are completely deluded.

One day, everyone will wake up and realize what a phony I am, what a fraud and a loser, and that day they will all turn on me. I will finally get my comeuppance, my dues.

And it will not be pretty, oh no it will not.

Because finally, everyone else will see what I’ve known my entire life… that I’m worthless, stupid, ugly, good for nothing. That I’m not nearly as intelligent as they all seem to think I am. That I give bad advice. That only an idiot would listen to anything I have to say.

I probably also smell, really bad.

The bay just smells so bad most days that nobody notices it.

I also have ugly hair. And my teeth aren’t straight. And have you noticed my pores? They’re huge!

How could anyone believe someone with ugly hair, crooked teeth, and giant pores? It’s obvious I was born for one thing, and one thing only; to be the wicked witch in a gruesome fairy tale.

I’ll probably live a long and miserably lonely life, only to die at the hands of some spoiled brats who will shove me into an oven and cook me alive.

After all, it’s the best I deserve, really.

Deep breath.

Ok, you know, I have to admit. That kind of works. As hard as it was to feel the least bit positive at the beginning of this exercise, I couldn’t help but laugh by the end.

I mean seriously? I’m going to end up an old hag, doomed to death by baking?

There is a definite benefit to letting all that negativity out. If nothing else, it certainly clears the air a bit, frees up some space to breathe.

I can look out my office window and actually appreciate the glorious blue sky. The birds are chirping, and there’s just enough of a breeze to keep the heat from becoming gross.

More often than not, I try to keep a positive outlook on life.

But you know, it just isn’t natural to always be in a good mood.

Sometimes, you just don’t have the energy; life is full of struggles, big and small, and they have a tendency to wear us down.

Pretending that we can just smile our way through them, without ever flagging in our good cheer, is asking something of ourselves that just isn’t very nice, or realistic.

Sometimes, we just need to be outrageously negative and just let the griping flow… after all, I’m pretty sure they call it venting for a reason.

Commenty Stuff

Today’s post is fairly rough, compared to the standards I usually set for myself. Call it the result of channeling my inner brat, who can’t be bothered with going back and polishing things up.

I do think there’s a certain benefit to sharing this little exercise in it’s raw form. Or perhaps that’s the brat again, making up excuses. Either way, I suppose this is my story, and I’ll be sticking to it

I invite any and all to join me in my gripe fest. However, there are a few guidelines;

• The point to a good Hard Times session is to be as overly-dramatic and ridiculously negative as you possibly can. So feel free to pull out your tiara, wrap a boa around your neck, and channel your inner 3 year old diva.
• The point to listening to a good Hard Times session is simply to listen. Please do not ruin it by offering helpful advice or explaining that things aren’t really so bad.
• You may, however, join in if you have something particularly juicy and dramatic to add to the gripe fest. The more over the top, the better.
• Do keep in mind, this isn’t about being mean… helpfully negative additions should focus on the situation, not the individual. A good gripe fest can be fun, but you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes!
• If you are sharing your Hard Times gripe fest, and prefer that others not assist you with your griping, please feel free to let us know. It’s perfectly acceptable to not want to share your venting spotlight.

I was originally planning on writing about something entirely different today. But then I got the most fabulous news ever (or at least, so far this week!) and I just had to share.

Actually, first I had to do a little happy dance, spin some standing cartwheels, and squeal with glee.

Then I had to share

So what it is I’m so excited about?

Ooh! I’m so glad you asked! See, Hiro Boga is doing  a class on Sovereignty… a Kindergarten Sovereignty class. Because really, this is stuff we should have learned in kindergarten.

Plus, everything was so much fun in kindergarten; there was finger painting, and story time, and nap time!

What better way to learn about something as important, but also kinda hard, as Sovereignty?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the concept of Sovereignty as Hiro uses it, here’s a brief explanation from the Sovereignty Kindergarten page;

Sovereignty is a quality of soul–we’re all born with it. It’s as natural to us as breathing. Each of us is given the gift of life, and with it, the gift of our inner kingdom.

This means you are the queen or king of your life. You have both the authority and the responsibility to govern your inner kingdom wisely.

I love the idea of being queen of my own life.

It certainly fits my own philosophy, not to mention the fact that I was raised in a family of bossy, matriarchal women. So in theory this stuff should come just as naturally as breathing. Right?

Except that it doesn’t.

Even when I know that I am responsible for my own life, for creating my own happiness and filling my days with joy, it’s easy to get sidetracked, to forget how to be queen.

See, like most of us, I’ve spent my life being told to conform, to put others before myself, to follow the rules and by god, under no circumstance should I ever rock the boat!

The worst part is, I love to make other people happy. Which is generally a good thing… except that when making others happy takes the form of suppressing my own needs and desires, it becomes not so good.

In fact, it becomes downright unhealthy.

Because suppressing myself “for the good of others” isn’t doing anyone any good; after all, how can I possibly be a true help to others if I’m not being true to myself?

I’m not sure I’m quite explaining this right. But that’s ok, that’s what Kindergarten is for, right?

The good news is, I am learning.

A few weeks ago, I was incredibly fortunate to be a part of Havi’s Camp Biggification in Portland. At the end of the retreat, she said something that really struck me.

*Actually she said stuff that struck me all week…  I was repeatedly stricken. But this had to do specifically with Sovereignty, so for now we’ll focus on this one.

She told us that, as sovereign beings, we could ask each other for help, with the knowledge that because the other person was also a sovereign being, they could say no, and it would be ok.

They could say no!

I recognize how silly it may seem, but that brought me to an incredible realization; when I was young, and someone would ask me to do something, I never felt as though I really had an option.

I couldn’t say no.

It felt horrible. As an adult, I haven’t wanted to put anyone else in that same position, and so I would resist asking anyone for anything.

Realizing that they can say “no”, and that nobody has to feel guilty or pressured, was such an amazing relief for me.

It opened up a world of opportunities. It also made me think of a post that Chris Anthony guest-posted over on IttyBiz, “Crossing The Red Line”.

Chris talked about the power of the red velvet rope, and how we are culturally conditioned to not cross these red lines.

He also talked about the fact that the line doesn’t actually exist, and how incredibly rewarding it can be to step across… to put yourself out there and just ask.

So I asked.

Here’s the thing. I’d been wanting to register for Sovereignty Kindergarten since I first heard about it. After attending Camp Biggification, I really wanted to register.

Unfortunately, money is painfully tight right now. As in, it’s a good thing I don’t eat much, because I can’t afford to go grocery shopping right now, tight.

*I’m probably not supposed to admit that. But I don’t care, it’s the truth, it’s where I’m at. And I’m hoping that knowing that this is where I’m at, but that I’m still managing to do the things I need to do for my business and for my self, might help you realize that you can too. So there.

So here I am, knowing that I can come up with money (I’ve discovered I’m pretty good at this), but also knowing that there is no chance in hell of my coming up with it in time to register for the class. At least, not without compromising some pretty serious values.

But also knowing that this would be an amazing thing for me to do.

That it would be a growing experience for me, personally, and that it would give me additional tools to bring to my business.

So I asked.

I put on my sovereignty crown, I figured out what would need to happen in order to make this work for me, and I emailed Hiro.

I asked her if she would be willing to accept me into the class, under the conditions that would allow me to pay for it while still taking care of my other needs (like buying groceries).

I asked nicely, I expressed my deepest appreciation for her time and energy in considering my request, and I let it be known that I would be satisfied with whatever answer she needed to give.

And you know what? She said yes.

This whole sovereignty thing is pretty new to me, but it sure does feel good. Not just because I got something that I wanted, and didn’t think I could get.

Mostly, it felt good to be able to ask for something, and not feel bad about it.

The crazy thing is, even if she had said no, I would still have been satisfied.

It was enough for me, just being able to ask. Being able to recognize my own sovereignty, and to respect another person’s sovereignty enough to give them the opportunity to say yes.

Commenty Stuff

My sovereignty crown is still fairly new, and a little bit fragile, so please be nice. Remember that we are all sovereign beings, deserving of respect and kindness.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go practice my chocolate pudding finger painting!

I was originally going to write about a different habit change method that I’ve been playing with, but I read a post over on Laurie’s blog Friday that really struck a chord with me.

“While we gain weight for many reasons… it’s the battle that becomes our addiction.

It’s all that we think about, and therefore, we don’t have to think about anything else.”

I can’t even begin to describe the power that last sentence had for me… it was one hell of an “aha!” moment.

I realized that that is exactly what I’ve been doing… as fears and anxieties have come up in my life over the last few years, my relationship with food has deteriorated drastically. And the worse my relationship with food has become, the more energy I have put into this relationship.

When I’m not eating, I’m thinking about eating. When I eat something I think I shouldn’t, I berate myself for it. When I want to eat something I think I shouldn’t, I berate myself for thinking about eating it!

It’s exhausting. It’s also distracting.

See, all this thinking about food is taking time and energy away from thinking about other things. Things I mostly don’t really want to think about, but otherwise can’t stop thinking about.

So I think about food.

Because as frustrating as it is to be obsessed with food, it’s still not as painful as thinking about things like how I’m going to pay my bills. Or how miserable my dayjob makes me. Or needing to file for divorce…

But Laurie’s post gave me an idea that I decided to play with, and already it’s had a greater impact on my experiment towards healthy eating than any other I’ve tried.

So I figured it deserved top spot in what seems likely to turn into at least a short series.

I’ve decided to call this habit “Mindful Positive Thinking”

It’s a little zen, and it definitely takes practice, but as I’ve said, it’s been incredibly helpful so far. Granted, it’s been all of three days so far, but still… it’s helped

The habit consists of two parts. First, I’ve committed to focusing on positive, kind thoughts for myself (this is the Positive Thinking part).

Of course, I’m not a positive affirmations kind of girl.

I can’t stand in front of a mirror telling myself “I’m smart, I’m pretty, and gosh darn it, people like me!” without feeling like a moron. And some days, I’m just not feeling it. Lying to myself doesn’t make anything better.

So instead of coming up with lame sounding affirmations to repeat to myself (and only sometimes believe), I decided to eliminate the negative, unkind thoughts.

This is where the Mindful part comes in.

Because lets be honest, it’s pretty much impossible for a mere mortal such as myself to never have a negative, unkind thought towards herself.

It’s not going to happen.

I’ll see a cookie, and want the cookie, and habit will kick in, and I’ll think to myself, “why do I always want cookies?! I’m never going to get this healthy eating thing down!”*

* Just a tip, always and never are good clues your monsters are talking. Havi has some good tricks for dealing with monsters!

And if I’ve made a promise to myself that I’m not going to have these sorts of thoughts, then I’m just going to feel even worse when I do.

So I’m not making that particular promise.

Instead, I’ve promised myself that I will be mindful of my unkind thoughts, and when they come, I will take note of them, and I will let them go.

There are a few important points here.

First off, I’ve accepted that the unkind thoughts are going to occur. I wont resist their appearance, or berate myself for having them.

Second, I’m not going to try to ignore them either. I could try to pretend they don’t exist, and over time I would likely successfully cease to notice them.

But they would still be there, only now they would be subconscious. And subconscious unkind thoughts are just about the only thing more dangerous than conscious ones. We don’t want to give these things more power…

This brings me to the third point, which is also the most powerful and the most difficult.

I notice the thought… and then I let it go.

This is somewhat similar to practicing meditation, during which you notice your thoughts as they occur, but you release them so that they are not a distraction to your practice. It’s pretty tough, and can take years to master.

* And yes, I recognize this is a very simplified explanation of meditation, but we aren’t discussing meditation right now, so for now it should suffice.

Luckily for my purposes, I don’t have to let go of all thoughts, just the unkind ones.

I’m also quite lucky in that becoming distracted is kind of the point to this particular mindfulness exercise.

So what I used to do would go something like;

“Ooh! A cookie! That sure does look tasty… no! I’m not supposed to be eating cookies. God, why do I always want to eat unhealthy things? Ok, that isn’t helpful, I should try to be nicer to myself. I’m going to stop beating up on myself for wanting cookies. I know that beating up on myself isn’t going to help with the eating healthy thing. I have to just avoid the cookies, pretend they aren’t there. Ok, so when I walk past the kitchen, I’m just going to act like I have blinders on, and I’m not going to look. Dammit! I looked, and oh, there they are… geez it sure would be nice to have a cookie. But no! I’m stronger than that! I don’t need a cookie… I don’t need a cookie… I don’t need a cookie…”

Real healthy, right?

Now, I’m doing this instead;

“Ooh! A cookie! That sure does look tasty… no! I’m not supposed to be eating cookies… huh. Ok, I just had a thought about not eating that cookie. I think I’ll drop this train of thought right here, and see what’s going on over there…”

The value behind this habit is that it allows me to change an unhealthy behavior (obsessing over food and my relationship with it) slowly and with compassion towards myself, in a manner which encourages an awareness of unhealthy patterns.

See, by consciously noting the unkind thoughts, I can take a moment to figure out what triggered them. I’ve already noticed some pretty telling patterns, and the emotions that tend to be prevalent at these moments.

I’ve also noticed that when I don’t actively feed into the obsessive thinking, the feeling of needing to eat something I shouldn’t, or when I’m not actually hungry, passes pretty quickly.

A quick note on my definition of an unkind thought

I’m not just talking about being actively mean to myself (i.e. “You’re such a fatass!”). I define any thought that contributes to the unhealthy behavior as unkind.

So by this definition, obsessing over not obsessing, or over not eating in a healthy manner, is also unkind.

This feels really important, so I’m going to say it again, very clearly, with extra emphasis; Even if my thoughts are designed to pep me up and make me feel better, they are still contributing to the obsessive behavior.

Thinking about food, even if it’s time spent thinking about how I wish I could have a healthy relationship with it, is taking away from what I should really be thinking about.

Namely, why I’m trying to avoid thinking about other things… like how I’m going to pay my bills, or needing to file for divorce…

Commenty Stuff

This is all a process of finding out what works, and what doesn’t. Just because something works for me, doesn’t mean it will work for you. If it does, or you think it might, that’s fabulous! I’m overjoyed to be able to help.

If it’s not right for you, that’s quite alright too. I’d love to hear about what does work for you; there’s always something to learn from each other.

All I ask is that you avoid judgment-heavy words like “should” or “ought to”, and be kind in your responses to myself and to others.